mood: worried

couple weeks ago chelsea and rob came round. while nawfel and rob dug up the garden (HAH) me and chelsea sat in the living room with a bottle of wine, beer, beans, skunk, hash and half a g and got REALLY fucked. it was wicked of course. no one understands how much i hate not seeing chelsea every week. it sucks balls. last wednesday i went to see her again, ain't been to white city for time or seen her family for ages so it was really nice. we went to her sister kelly's flat (she's away on holiday) and her mum and sister terri came round with terri's new bf. drank wine and smoked a few joints then when they'd left we did half a g and chatted about everything. when i got back i wanted another half g, i fucking annoy myself, so me and nawfel did that and drank beer and had sexy time.

friday was spent getting fucked and so was saturday, me and nawfel just stayed in though. he made a lovely roast on sunday mmm. i love having a bf that cooks and cleans!

on monday i stayed round chelsea's, it was well good. i read the local paper and they have a whole section about muggings that have happened that week. how nice. we got on the beans, sniff and wine, tried to watch movies but we just talked the whole way through them. i wish i could see her more but her bf makes it hard. gaaaay. trying to sleep was evil, didn't even manage it, just laid there for three hours til we had to get up wondering if i'd slept or not. then i got on the train looking a state, then got the bus to outside the flat. had a joint and a cup of tea and watched trisha and jeremy kyle repeats. eventually got a couple hours sleep and then nawfel came home. he's been doing a plumbing course for the past three days. i've been well bored without him.

anyway in other news...I GOT A JOB! shock. i've never ever had a job in my life. always been in education so i never had to get one. i honestly thought no one would employ me. seriously. i have absolutely no self confidence and i don't believe in myself at all. nawfel's so proud of me, he said from the beginning i would get the job, so did my mum, and it really pissed me off because i thought there was no chance in hell of me getting it and i would be embarassed when i didn't because they so thought i would. but i shocked myself and did! now i'm scared i won't be able to do the job though =[ it's in an estate agents working as a mortgage administrator, i'll be on probation and the money's really shit at first as they're training me. but the hours are good, 10-5.30 and i only have to work mon-thurs. i'm so scared though, how am i gonna be able to get up everyday and actually do work. i'm so fucking lazy. and i know it sounds stupid but i have no confidence, i have to get to know aload of new people and i get really shy sometimes. i feel shitty today, because i'm so used to having money. my parents ain't rich but my mum got working family tax credit and stuff 'cause i've been in education but now i won't have her to give me money. plus she buys me and nawfel's food shopping every week. so i think i am gonna be well poor for ages =[ honestly i am so glad i have nawfel to love, support and look after me because i would be in a mess otherwise. working and being poor terrifies me! i wish i was an optimist, i have LOADS of good things in my life and everything is actually working out now but i still worry constantly and concentrate on the bad bits. i am a stupid cow.

right i'm gonna go have lasagna and salad mmm. oh yeah, nawfel quit blazing, he hasn't smoked for 11 days. so i cut down too, i've started smoking hash instead now and only smoking skunk at the weekends and maybe the occasional one in the week. it makes me too paranoid and costs too much boo. anyway i'm off